I am going to tell you about this anger, this bitterness inside me. I don’t want or call for pity, but for understanding, and compassion.
For there is still a deep void in my heart. A place for someone to come in.
For everybody needs somebody to love. And I have so much love to give out.
Walking past couples, happy lovers walking hand in hand with a smile on their face, in the deepest of my mind, something whispers : “You may not have this. It’s not for you.”
Hello darkness my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again…
Most people don’t understand what demons and ugly dark thoughts are hidden there. Nor how easy it is for them to wake up and shoot you down.
I constantly imagine myself throwing a glass of water on the wall, and falling down on my knees, crying in despair.
But you are so smart, handsome, nice and gentle. Always ready to help. You can have a girlfriend whenever you want. The one that would see you through would be so lucky.
So say all my friends around me.
As I walked through life with Asperger, I learned to mask. But when the mask fall down, you see a happy person, full of humour, smiling to life.
Yes, this is me.
The true me. The real me, hidden behind layers and curtains of conformity to fit in the crowd. And as I write and tell this, I cry under the rush of feelings breaking the dam like a river of pain and anger.
I know I should not let bitterness rule over. For you should show your best side. The side everyone loves. This side hidden under the mask. But so often the dark side comes up and silently shouts : “When will I get my share ? Why should I be so gentle and helpful, when no one helps me, when no one loves me ?”
Because you feel like loving someone should be basic human right. Just like breathing air or drinking water.
Because it’s what keep us human.
Because it’s what keep us from going insane and smashing innocent glasses and plates on the wall.
Fall the mask off. You will shine with happiness and attract the one that is for you.
Well… I go out regularly, I am full of ideas, projects. I do good, volunteer in several associations. And yet, there is still this void in my heart. Like I miss something, no matter how I try to fill it up, no matter how I try to build happiness, for myself or others.
But nobody came. I wish to let things happen. Just meet someone, and just let love happen and grow. But it looks like this luck does not want to come.
You find someone when you don’t need them anymore.
Then, why would I want to be with them ? And you say I should take things ok ? During the last five years I was smashed up and overstressed to a level most people don’t even think about. I swear I would have loved having someone there to just crash in her arms and release my burden. But no one came. And when I am Ok, someone will just come there and get it like I am a gift to her life ?
Where have you been the last five years ? Where have you been when I needed you ?
You keep saying men should talk to women with respect instead of just running after sex. Maybe I don’t want to talk to you. But I am not really after sex either.
Anyway, why would I want talking to you ? Asperger has also given me this strangeness, this social awkwardness that make me so bad at talking. And I panic again, every time I meet someone nice, someone lovely. Someone I would love to be with.
No. What I want, what men want, behind that stupid sex run, is intimacy (or so I believe).
I want to curl up in your arms, like a cat, trust you and release all my pain in your heart, cherish that one moment, and forget that, for a while, no one loved me, but the cat.
And the cat is dead…